


The Embarrassment of the Honey Dance

by sid_pinetree



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Maybe too seriously at times, Steph does not appear but she causes chaos, this is total nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29913666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sid_pinetree/pseuds/sid_pinetree
Summary: Something odd is going on. It's the middle of the week yet, Drake and Cain are in the manor. While not too unusual, Grayson is also here. The thing that really damns it is that Todd is here but not for tea with Pennyworth. Thomas doesn't appear to know what's going on either but Damian knows it will not be good for him.Or Damian's family embarrasses him with a special little tradition that Bruce and Alfred used to perform every time they harvested honey.
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Damian Wayne, Batfamily Members & Damian Wayne, Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	The Embarrassment of the Honey Dance

**Author's Note:**

> So... I have no explanation. This was supposed to be pure crack but I got caught up in the process of harvesting honey because I know my Grandpa does it and I fell down the research rabbit hole. I really tried to stop myself from detailing everything but there may still be too many details for a crackfic. Sorry (no, I'm not). Enjoy, I guess?

Something was very off. Drake and Cain were in the Manor which was not overly unusual for the middle of the week but Drake had not gone down to the Cave at all. Cain’s behavior was typical of her, appearing randomly to tease Damian. What was odd was that Grayson was here too. Grayson often visited on the weekends. It was Wednesday. The most peculiar thing was that Todd was here. Todd did visit the Manor during the week but he only visited the upstairs to have tea with Pennyworth.

Todd was not having tea with Pennyworth. He was standing in front of him and Thomas smirking, with a wicked look in his eye.

“It’s Honey Harvest day and you what that means!” Todd practically all but cackled. Thomas shifted next to him on the couch, confused as Damian’s nervousness rose to a fevered pitch. Cain and Drake clapped their hands and giggled ominously as Grayson ponced from the sofa and started bouncing, giggling equally as ominously as the others.

“It’s time for the Honey Dance,” he informed Damian and Thomas with glee. Damian wondered if he had been drugged. His smile was the widest he had ever seen it and the manic energy in his eyes reminded him of the Joker.

“What’s the Honey Dance?” Thomas asked.

“I’m so glad you asked,” Todd said as he leaned in closer to the pair. Damian felt a sweat break out on his neck. Whatever this “Honey Dance” was, it was not going to be good. “B, would you do the honors of showing our new initiates the Honey Dance?”

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no-no-no. Father, who had not previously been in the room entered. He was wearing a garishly bright yellow sweater with black stripes his hands lifted up in the air opening and closing vaguely reminiscent of a crab, moving his body side to side as he endeavored ever closer to the couch.

“Honey-honey-honey-honey,” he chanted continuously as he went, in a way that reminded Damian of the “na’s” that Grayson sang in his “Batman song.”

“No,” he moaned. This could not be happening. This is not happening right now.

“Can I record this?” Thomas choked out.

Father paused in his advance and gave a flat no. He then continued tormenting Damian’s eyes with this abomination.

“Honey-honey-honey-honey,” he continued as he scooped Damian up, settling him on his hip, and planting a wet kiss on Damian’s cheek. What was this? Why was this happening to him? If there was a creator, they must undoubtedly hate Damian because that was the only explanation for this humiliation that was being imparted on him.

“Why?” he choked, out covering his eyes. He was a trained assassin. He had killed over two-hundred people. His father was the  _ fucking _ Batman. Why did he have to cope with this ridiculousness?

“Because it’s Honey Harvest time,” Grayson cheered. The rest of his siblings, except Thomas, began doing this so-called “Honey Dance.” Thomas laughed as he took in the foolish behavior their family was exhibiting. He had no allies in this house, not even Pennyworth who would undoubtedly encourage this foolhardiness.

“I love you guys so much,” Thomas cried as he stood up from the couch and began doing the awful dance.

Father sat down, settling Damian in his lap. Damian turned to his Father, well aware of how betrayed he looked. “ Father, why? What is this?”

Father laughed at Damian. Laughed! He laughed further cementing his treachery against Damian. He expected this sort of farce from Grayson, or any of his horrid wretched siblings who had been forcefully foisted upon him but Father. He never would have expected this from Father, but he should have. He should have.

Father was such a troll. His Brucie Wayne persona should have shattered any semblance of respectability Damian harbored for his Father but he had oh so foolishly considered this absurdness as a clever strategy to dodge accusations of being Batman. It was a lie. Father just liked messing with people.

“It’s a family tradition,” Father answered.

“You’re lying,” Damian accused. He had to be lying. 

“No,” Father smiled. “When I was a boy, I used to do the dance as I accompanied Alfred to the beehives. I started doing it again when Dick was a child. And then with Jason. And then with Cass and Tim. And now with you and Duke.”

“Must we? It seems unbefitting of the Waynes.”

Father poked his nose just like Cain always did when she thought he was being silly.

“Here’s a secret, Damian,” he leaned towards Damian’s ear. “The Wayne’s are silly. We fight crime dressed as bats and birds. We couldn’t get any more absurd so you might as well enjoy it.”

“I don’t want to,” Damian murmured, fighting a pout.

Father smiled at him. “It’s ok. You don’t have to. I’m sure Alfred will enjoy having at least one person actually being helpful.”

Pennyworth cleared his throat from the doorway and the shouts of “honey” cut off. He was already suited up and held a basket of tools in his right hand.

“You will find your suits in your rooms, Sirs and Madam,” he informed them, eyes twinkling. “I will await you on the patio.”

And then he was gone, his siblings running out after Pennyworth to their rooms like a stampede of escaped zoo animals. Father laughed and looked down at Damian

“Are you ready?”

“Yes,” Damian lied. He hoped there wasn’t any paparazzi watching them over the fences. If Jon found out that he participated in this farce even from the sidelines, he would be teased mercilessly. He was also slightly, a little itty bit, very minusculely worried that he would be stung by a bee, cruelly ending the poor creature’s life.

They made a perfectly odd picture, quite sandwich-like as Alfred led them to the hives, his father and siblings performing the foolish dance in the middle with Damian following solemnly behind. Damian was tugging a little cart behind him that match the one Pennyworth had, except Pennyworth’s contained some tools. They stopped before a row of beehives, the gaggle of fools becoming still.

“Come here, Master Damian.”

Damian left his cart next to Pennyworth’s and stumbled after him, almost tripping over a rock. He blushed but no one laughed and Pennyworth put a steadying hand on his lower back.

“Careful, now. We wouldn’t want you to fall on any of the hives.”

Pennyworth handed him a metal canister that Damian remembered as a bee smoker.

“Since this is your first time with us for Honey Harvest you will be in charge of the bee smoker,” Pennyworth began as he opened the hinged-top. He narrated his actions as he inserted a piece of cardboard that rounded around the interior of the fire chamber. He held up a folded paper towel and asked Damian to light the paper with a match. Pennyworth dropped the lit paper into the fire chamber and waited a few seconds before adding some pine needles to the chamber. He instructed Damian to pump the bellows after he added the needles, repeating this process a couple of times before he slammed the hinged top close and put his hand in front of the nozzle.

“Another gentle pump, Master Damian.”

He hummed, sounding pleased, and smiled at Damian. It reminded him of his mother’s smile when he completed a particularly harrowing mission.

“The smoke must be cool,” Pennyworth instructed and guided Damian’s hand in front of the nozzle. Pennyworth pumped the bellows, sending a puff of cool smoke on his hand.

“This is one of the most important parts of this process, Master Damian. The smoke will mask the alarm pheromones the bees give off and disrupt their defensive response. This allows us to harvest from the hives.”

Damian nodded solemnly and looked past Pennyworth to the hives. He glanced back at the butler before moving forward and smoking the hive.

His gaggle of siblings were no help during the harvesting but they were very enthusiastic about the actual honey-making process. Cain sat in front of a bucket that she put frames in, cut off the cappings, and passed the frames to Duke. Duke would then pass the frames to Richard, Todd, or Drake. Each boy would put their frames in a metal cylinder with a cage inside. They would then proceed to grab the handle at the top of the device that was connected to the cage and spin it. At the bottom of the cylinder, the honey oozed into the bucket. Cain pulled out some more buckets and put a sifter on the top of each bucket, shoveling the cappings into them.

“There are machines that can drain the cappings but Alfred prefers this method,” she commented.

Todd glanced up from where he was spinning the frames. “When those are done draining, we’re going to make wax.”

Damian frowned. Why would they make wax?

Drake saw his expression and unfortunately decided he would be the one to answer.

“Alfred uses some of the wax in his sewing, for the thread. We sell the rest off at the farmer’s market. Same with the excess honey.”

Damian’s eyes widened. They were going to have a booth at the farmer’s market? Why? They didn’t need the money. He voiced this opinion to his siblings.

“It’s not for the money, Dames. We donate the funds anyway. We just do it. It’s fun. We sell honey and Jason’s weird candles,” Richard explained.

“Hey!” Todd yelled. “My candles are not weird. They are totally awesome.”

“He makes them into weird shapes,” Cain whispered, conspiratorially.

“You mean cool shapes.”

Drake snorted. “Sure, the animal ones are pretty cool but we always get complaints from people about the dick ones.”

Duke barked a laugh while Damian paled. “Please tell me your joking.”

Cain ruffled his hair and he cringed as honey got in his hair. “ Can’t,” she told him unashamedly.

He turned a glare upon Todd. “You are not making those anymore.”

Todd stuck out his tongue while Richard and Drake exchanged skeptical glances. Duke shoot him a look like he was the weird one.

“Do you think if Alfred hasn’t been able to stop him, you could?” Duke asked.

“Pennyworth is complicit in our vigilante and pseudo-furry lifestyle,” Damian snarked, repeating what Brown had told him three weeks ago when he asked why Pennyworth never stopped Father from making an embarrassment of the Wayne name.

Everyone froze and stared at him. “What,” he barked defensively.

“Psuedo-furry?!”

“Where did you---”

“Fuck you. I am not---”

“What’s a furry?”

“Just because B and Selina like to---”

“Is something the matter, young Sirs and Madam?” Pennyworth intoned from the doorway.

“No,” his siblings shouted, trying to look innocent. Damian was confused but he’s not sure he wants an explanation. It was probably best not to know. Although maybe he should ask Brown? No. Nevermind. He didn’t want to know.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this because every WIP I have started has started turning into a long fic and I know I won't dare publish any of them until I'm at least three-fourths the way through with the draft. Honestly, should have finished it early but I kept getting distracted by original fiction for some of my classes.


End file.
